nothing right comes easy

deciding to repair my relationship with the lord is not going to be an easy one.

my life is surrounded in worldly things, i’m very well accustomed to them. breaking the cycle of my worldly traits won’t be so easy, but it has to be done. most of the things i’m not only doing because he doesn’t approve of them, but because they’re just a bag of temptation waiting to be opened and especially at this state, i’m not ready for them. right now it’s like the make it or break it point, and i’m going to make it.

for example, my friends want to go to the club next weekend. not only do i not want to go because of my physical insecurities, but mostly because it’s just a world full of temptation(i never thought that i’d say that, but it’s true). i’ll be placing myself in the lion’s den unnecessarily for unholy purposes.

i’m trying my hardest to stop using foul language. the time that i really use it is when i’m mad or annoyed…in which i get annoyed fairly easy :/

i’m also trying not to listen to worldly music, well anything that has lyrics in it(other than opera though).

i may get some criticism from anyone reading this(but again this is my blog so it’s my thoughts and opinions), but i’m also trying not to like androgynous girls anymore. it’s no point in doing so because i want to marry a man anyway, but i do have an attraction that i need to end.

i’d have to say that these are my biggest issues that i have to work on, but of course with jesus and his help, anything is possible. :]

after eight years…

i have been needing to go to church for the longest. i’ve been needing to go not for the church itself, but to be taught the word of god. 

well on friday night i finally went. i was honestly pretty skeptical and nervous. i hadn’t been for almost eight years, now that i really look back on it. i feared i was going to get judged by the members as to why i’m there. but of course that was just the devil trying to throw bricks at me to tempt me to not go.

going to church all throughout my childhood i’ve always seen people crying and claiming that “they feel his presence,” and told myself that they must be faking, but i can honestly say that as soon as the service started, i felt it. i felt his presence. from the choir singing to the pastor preaching, i felt him.

one of the things that they said in the beginning of service was, “you could be somewhere else right now, but you are here. you are broken right now, but you’re here to be fixed.” as soon as i heard that i felt like they were talking to me and i cried because i am broken, because i do need to be fixed. nowhere else will fix me but being in service listening to god’s good word. being there that night was meant to be.

that service was just what the lord wanted me to hear. 

no one is perfect. everyone makes mistakes. most of the time at the lowest time in your life is when you really understand god’s worth in your life. the members of church act like their life is perfect when they’re their there, but it’s really not. no matter how much you believe in the lord, you will be tested. it’s true, all of it.

i can’t change what i’ve done in the past, but i can always do better in the future to prevent the past from recurring. life isn’t perfect, neither is anyone in this world. we will have rocks thrown at us, but we have to try as hard as possible to dodge them and if we get it, we shall not allow them to knock us down.

the devil is a fool

with everything that’s been going on in my life, all the things that have been happening to me, i finally know why. it’s all because the lord is trying to get me back to him. when i was innocent and followed by his law, i was happy. life wasn’t perfect, as it never will be, but i was happy.

the day, a few weeks back, that i was about to down a bottle of pills, something urged me to stop and call my dad. i did and i cried to him as i told him what i was about to do. i know my dad doesn’t care too much as he says he does, but what he did was talk to me about god. reminding me that when you have no one to turn to, when you’re alone in the world and neither your mother or father are there for you, you can always turn to the lord. he’ll never fail you. 

even after that talk calmed me down, i still felt mad. but mad at the lord. how are you there for me if you’re taking away one of the most precious things in the world that i treasure? is it to teach me a lesson on family? because i value my family so much! is it because you want me to follow you? because i will! just let my mom live! seeing that my mom’s health hasn’t progressed, kept me in a state of confusion. 

the other night while at work i had an argument with myself(in my head), a normal thing it seems lately. this time it was different though. this time it was like i was being drawn to really start blaming and even hating the lord. starting to distrust him, thinking that it’s all his fault for every bad thing happening in my life. but i caught myself. i know better. i know it’s not him. how could it be him if he’s the one who gave me life? has given me all i have? and is STILL keeping me alive? i may not be the most faithful person in the world, but i know the devil’s work at it’s best when i see it, and that sure was it. he saw that i was vulnerable and he tried to put it in my head and make me think and go against god! i couldn’t believe it! i was in shock! the argument in my head then became aloud once i started yelling at the devil, letting him know that he can not break me down. he’s torn me apart already from my family, from my friends, from materialistic things, but he sure is not going to damage any further my relationship with the lord.

luckily at this time no guests had came in, being that not only was i arguing, but i was yelling and crying.

never had i would have imagined that i would actually come into contact with the devil literally trying to persuade me to go against the lord. i know my past actions are not anything that of god’s, but to actually try to cut my ties with him is just remarkable. no matter how much the devil thinks he could terminate my already damaged relationship with god, he’s wrong.

it won’t be broken, it will only be repaired.

and what urged me that day wasn’t just me snapping into my senses, but was the lord stopping me. thank you lord. you are so good :]